But anyway, I wanted to have a post about how everything came about, which I meant to have ages ago, but yeah. This will be the first part of how it came to be.
My 'gender dysphoria' (I don't usually use that term btw) started when I was about 4. During one of the many careless days in reception class at school, we were playing dress up....for some reason, and I wanted to wear one of the dresses, there was a yellow and a blue one. Once I put one on, and one of my young friends said "you can't wear that, dresses are for girls". I could go into a long decussion about how gender role is imparted on us from a young age, or how those who blur the lines tend to be frowned upon, but not right now. Anyway, after that I wanted to be a girl, for that reason only, and my love of dresses has always been there. During those early years, I used the girls toilets, and tried profusely to get one of the dresses during play time. At the time, I didn't really have many friends, if I remember, but the two I remember were both girls. One was called Sasha, and the other Rebecca. I moved away from the area at 7, and lost touch with both of them, but I remember playing 'horses' with Rebecca, where we'd run about pretending to be horses (I love horses as well btw), which I think is a pretty girly thing to do. After that, I got told off for using the girls toilets, and we moved away.
Some years later, at a new primary school, there wasn't really anything to talk about, apart from once when my friends and I found an alice hair band, which we all tried on (for some reason). I refused initially (embaressment, despite wanting to), but when I did, felt amazing just for something so simple, but yet feminine. I suppose that was my first time crossdressing....of sorts.....
Then, in year six, for the christmas pantomime play thing, my best friend and I played the part of the ugly sisters, which gave me the oppurtunity to wear a dress, I of course jumped at the chance, and had a nice little pink dress. A little embaressing to start with, but I still loved it. Also before the play, I kept my casting from my family, again for fear of embaressment, I was quite a shy child.....
The only other thing that I remember from my childhood really, before I finish this post and continue at another time, is going to disneyland with my parents. Big part of disney being the princesses, with the people playing the characters, and many small girls with princess dresses. Everytime I've been to disneyland, my mum has said "if you were a girl, I would buy you all of them [dresses]" to embaress me, and yeah I'd act embaressed, but really wanted that, and felt annoyed that I couldn't have them. Many dreams I had, were of being a princess, which I think is the same for every girl.
Anyway, the rest of what I have planned is sort of centred around the teenage years, so I think I'll leave that for another post. Anyway, usual cap, and music wednesday tomorrow :)
Emma x
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